My Light - Gloria Ann

This was a hard trip to make. I wanted to be there but, I didn’t at the same time. I was afraid of what it would mean. My grandmother, Gloria Ann Davis turned 74 years old on March 22nd. The family showed up and so did Mother Nature. We spent a beautiful day in Laura S Walker State Park. It was a cookout. My father was on the grill making chicken, ribs and burgers. All the side dishes were there, Collard Greens, Sweet potatoes, Potato Salad, Macaroni Salad, Baked beans, Angel Eggs (we don’t call them deviled) and the family. Aunt Barbara and Laverne drove down with Terrance (Uncle Deta), my oldest sister, Barbara brought her family down from Virginia and the gang in Georgia made their way over to us. We had a great time, though, we were there for what none of us wanted to face. This may be the last time I see my grandmother in person. If something happens, I will drop everything and get there as soon as possible but, that was my thought. It was hard to be there, to see her. Her spirits were high but, her body was battling…cancer. No one needs to experience such pain and discomfort. With all of the money in healthcare, we somehow cannot find a way to deal with cancer. So many lives have been taken.

We drove. My partner, Matt and I drove from Philadelphia to Waycross, GA in 12 1/2 hours. I overpaid at a hotel to be close to her. The town of Waycross reminds me of Vineland, NJ. A shell of what it could have been. Everything is spaced out and the nearest city ideal to shop in was an hour away. We went to one of the largest Family Buffets I had ever been to. The menu was southern favorites like black-eyed peas and friend orkra. I sat at the table with my grandmother, she couldn’t eat most of the food at the buffet. Her stomach is where the cancer is. At times, she looked so tired. I wanted to give her all of my strength, if only I could. For 5 days, I was able to ignore the world that has been consuming me in Philadelphia for a bit but, going home was the hard part. Our ride down was good but, on the way back, all of the stress of living here started to return. Matt drove the whole way so, that would take a toll on anyone. I tried not to be short with him but, he was trying to get us home and not paying attention to what his body needed. We made several stops but, we should have made more. Airlines think we are all about leisure travel and the fares are too high to consider with the pandemic still taking its toll.

I hate the world right now. People are selfish as ever. This pandemic is not over and there is a war in Ukraine whose effects are being felt the world over. While I know my grandmother cannot live forever, none of us can, I just want here days to be happy days. I want her to look back on her life and be proud of what came after her. My family is no strangers to cancer. Both sides have had losses. It does not get any easier. If anything, it’s even harder when you think about the last time we dealt with cancer. All we can do is stay strong and do whatever we can to keep her safe and comfortable. But, what about us? What about me? What happens when her light goes out? My light.

I push myself because of the loss of my mother at age 7. My life must have meaning. My grandmother helped me to plot a course. She kept me honest. She did what she could and left the rest to me. There is too much going on and it is hard to know whether any of it is even necessary. I just want to make sure I do not have to struggle like this. I love her so much. She gave me the strength ri get out and do the things I am doing. I have to keep on. I have to move forward. I cannot stop. I will work to keep the light alive in us all. I have to. We have to…find a balance.